it might have been easier to claim citizenship

than to open a checking account as a foreigner.*

after over a month of paying sovereign bank’s $5 fee every time i withdrew money from an international atm and to assist the process of paying rent in shekels, i decided it was time to open an israeli bank account. i inquired with several israelis as to which was best and was told that other than bank hapoalim (which is apparently evil), just pick the one closest to your house.

this advice brought me to bank discount. my first trip there involved waiting in approximately a bazillion lines for a total of nearly 2 hours, but i left successfully with empty bank account and promises that in less than a week I could get an atm card and checks. several days after making arrangements to transfer money into my new account I returned to the bank to see if the transfer had come through and if I could pick up my new atm card and checks.

after again waiting in several lines to find the appropriate people, i learned the money had come through, but, “you didn’t order the card and checks? you have to order them!” apparently, these perks aren’t automatic.

so i waited in one line to order the atm card and a second line for the checks. the atm request went seemingly well, but I had no such luck in the checks line.

“hi, i’d like to order checks.”
“account number and id please”
“61…”
“61? is this a foreigner account?”
“yes, i’m not israeli.”
“oh, I don’t know if I can do this, and see here, this paper says that your account cant get checks.”
“but I need checks, i have to pay rent.”
“maybe you should talk to the manager. the desk over there.”

the manager informed me that because i am a foreigner and they don’t “know me” they cant yet trust me with checks. “use the account a bit, then come back and maybe we can do it.”

fast forward one month: after receiving my atm card and pre-chosen pin code (no, you don’t get to pick your own), i used my bank account multiple times, withdrawing the daily maximum of 600 NIS at the minor fee of 1.25 shekels. it was time, i decided, to return to my quest for checks (i now owed my roommate 3 months of rent).

“hi, i opened an account a while back, i’d like to order checks.”
“account number and id?.”
“61…”
“61? is this a foreigner account?”
“yes.”
“micki, this girl has a foreigner account, can we order checks for her?”
“yes, yes, just take her first born child and 4 dunams of her orange orchards.”
“but I don’t grow oranges…”
“ok, fine. come back in 3 days to pick up the checks.”

it was too simple, i knew it. instead of 3 days, i gave them a week. at least by this point I knew which line to wait in.

“hi, i ordered checks last week, can I pick them up?”
“account number and id?.”
“61…”
“61? a foreigner account? oh no, those checks wont be ready for at least another week. and maybe you should call before you come back, because really we don’t know how long it will take.”

so in sum, nearly 2 months after opening my account, i have a very patient and understanding roommate but no checks. for more tales of israeli bureaucracy, refer to adler’s blog.

[*note: this statement only holds true for me as a jew. if I were, lets say, a palestinian from east jerusalem it would be easier to build a bank out of toothpicks and yogurt than to get citizenship.]