Birthwrong

Co-authored by Annie and Hannah, freelance BDH columnists

Birthright Israel recently rescinded the admission of David Ben-Goldberg to the free 10-day program when they learned of his intent to extend his stay in Israel for the purpose of joining the Japanese Sumo Wrestler weeklong "Fellowship and Peace" tour.

Ben-Goldberg, a student at Brandeis University, was shocked and outraged to learn of his expulsion from the trip. The Jewish Studies and Japanese History major had been spending all of his evenings and weekends preparing for the excursion. He had recently achieved the status of yokozuna, the highest rank for a wrestler, at the Waltham Sumo Wrestling Institute.

Birthright first became suspicious of Ben-Goldberg's plans when he requested two seats and six extra-carb meals for his complimentary El-Al flight. Birthright representatives confirmed that his removal from the program was part of a broader policy to prevent participants from "exploiting the free plane ticket to further 'non-Jewish causes.'" International director of marketing for Birthright elaborated that, "it is not in our agenda to help people find programs that aim to strengthen the claims of other ethnic groups."

"I just wanted to see the other side. Another perspective," said Ben-Goldberg, who is unable to see his own toes due to his massive stomach. "Also, Sumo wrestlers have many things in common with Jews," he asserted. "For example, during the holidays, Haredi men eat approximately the same number of calories as Sumo wrestlers. Also, without wrestling, there would be no Jews. Jacob, our patriarch, wrestled with an angel. And that's how he became Israel. Wrestling is totally the new Zionism."

A defiant Ben-Goldberg continued, "And it's not like I'm that Brown student who went to Gaza or wherever because he heard they had the best hummus. Besides, if the sumos kidnapped me and took me back to their sadogatake (stable), it would be like a dream come true." Ben-Goldberg is now trying to raise money to join the Sumo mission on his own.